Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Lafayette
To have lived a privileged life,
to wish for things you could never have,
to want so much more, but learning to be happy with what you have.
I drive around this place
thinking I want to live here in the future,
or do I?
Maybe its just this place that holds my memories.
Memories of a time that was simpler,
happier, easier, for sure more fun.
But does that mean its something I aspire to take hold of in my future?
Is this place somewhere I want to be in 10 years?
I hate the people here,
with their noses stuck in the air,
who think they are better than everyone else around them.
Fake people that will turn around and stab you in the back.
And as much as I hate it there, I love to be there.
It has a safe, comforting feeling.
The town is dead by 10pm.
People work good jobs, work hard, or so we think.
But do all these things mean its were I want to settle down,
or dare i say, raise kids of my own?
I came to this place at 12 years old.
My world as I had known it just crumbled around me.
This place let me live here and find a different part of myself,
it helped me grown, even though I didnt accept you for another few years.
You gave me a place to meet friends, new people,
make new beginnings.
A beginning that I could control.
But you can only control what you arent for so long.
You find your footing,
friends that became your "group".
Thankfully mine was one of the "in" groups.
This place held my hand through sneaking out, getting too drunk,
taking my face to its earth while I couldnt function enough to walk.
Took my tears, love, knowledge and life for a chunk of time.
I am who I am because of me, but you helped shape me.
Showed me who I want to be, and definitely who I did not want to be.
I love you for that.
As I drive through the streets reminiscing about all the good times,
it makes me wonder what i really like about this place.
Is it my memories over the last 10 years of my life,
holy shit.. its been 10 year!! Where does the time go?
Where does life go on the journey down different paths,
why does time seem to pass faster and faster,
with each year that passes me by.
Will I end up here again at some point?
Do I want to end up here?
Maybe its just the memories of the good times,
and the bad, cause they matter too.
The times that helped shape me,
that make me think this is where I want to settle down.
But I want space,
acres and acres of land to call my own.
No noise of traffic or snobby people.
No voices of others.
But even if I dont settle down on your earth again,
Thanks for giving me those memories,
thanks for showing me a good time,
and thanks for leading me to best part of my life,
so far.
Maybe Ill be seeing you more in the future
to wish for things you could never have,
to want so much more, but learning to be happy with what you have.
I drive around this place
thinking I want to live here in the future,
or do I?
Maybe its just this place that holds my memories.
Memories of a time that was simpler,
happier, easier, for sure more fun.
But does that mean its something I aspire to take hold of in my future?
Is this place somewhere I want to be in 10 years?
I hate the people here,
with their noses stuck in the air,
who think they are better than everyone else around them.
Fake people that will turn around and stab you in the back.
And as much as I hate it there, I love to be there.
It has a safe, comforting feeling.
The town is dead by 10pm.
People work good jobs, work hard, or so we think.
But do all these things mean its were I want to settle down,
or dare i say, raise kids of my own?
I came to this place at 12 years old.
My world as I had known it just crumbled around me.
This place let me live here and find a different part of myself,
it helped me grown, even though I didnt accept you for another few years.
You gave me a place to meet friends, new people,
make new beginnings.
A beginning that I could control.
But you can only control what you arent for so long.
You find your footing,
friends that became your "group".
Thankfully mine was one of the "in" groups.
This place held my hand through sneaking out, getting too drunk,
taking my face to its earth while I couldnt function enough to walk.
Took my tears, love, knowledge and life for a chunk of time.
I am who I am because of me, but you helped shape me.
Showed me who I want to be, and definitely who I did not want to be.
I love you for that.
As I drive through the streets reminiscing about all the good times,
it makes me wonder what i really like about this place.
Is it my memories over the last 10 years of my life,
holy shit.. its been 10 year!! Where does the time go?
Where does life go on the journey down different paths,
why does time seem to pass faster and faster,
with each year that passes me by.
Will I end up here again at some point?
Do I want to end up here?
Maybe its just the memories of the good times,
and the bad, cause they matter too.
The times that helped shape me,
that make me think this is where I want to settle down.
But I want space,
acres and acres of land to call my own.
No noise of traffic or snobby people.
No voices of others.
But even if I dont settle down on your earth again,
Thanks for giving me those memories,
thanks for showing me a good time,
and thanks for leading me to best part of my life,
so far.
Maybe Ill be seeing you more in the future
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Life
I really want to give up right now. Can I really do this? I really dont believe that I can.. How could i feel so good about something for a month, and then within a week completely feel like I've already failed and cant possibly keep going and do good? Its hard to actually try, then still fail. Its hard to want to do good, and just not be able to keep a focused head. Its hard to go to school knowing that it isnt really for anything other than a stupid piece of paper. Yeah Yeah Yeah I hear all this bullshit about you need a degree, you need a good education, blah blah blah. For what? What does it get me when I have finished.. maybe ill feel really good for finishing something, for caring and trying hard.. well I hate to let everyone down.. but i really dont know if i can do this, follow through with it and still do good. i have no money in my pocket, working a job for a miserable 10 month old baby that i swear torments me at every chance he gets. Is this possible? Can this 10 month old baby really be that smart at continually pushing my buttons to the point that i want to throw him in his crib, walk out and never come back? I really think so. Maybe Im just weak, not strong enough to overcome my mind and tell myself, "yes, you can do this. you are smart. you are charismatic, and you can do whatever you set your mind to"?? I dont believe that I can..maybe thats my problem.. no faith in myself? I have come to learn that I am horrible at telling my self to do anything.. If I was better at this task, I wouldnt be a fat ass almost 23 year old still trying to finish school with a nannying job and no good work experience..
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Today, was a shitty day. traffic was bad, I think I actually did good on a test, horrible on a case, average on a quiz. Tired, had to take a shit, headache and hot flash.. glad to be home, but now the dog is whining and i hear impact drills, air compressors, and an axle hitting the floor. Welcome home on your shitty day. Tomorrow will be better.
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